


I'm Fine.

by admirabletragedy



Category: Glee
Genre: (other than a mention of Kurt's mother), M/M, NO character deaths, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/admirabletragedy/pseuds/admirabletragedy
Summary: Sometimes when I try to sing, the words catch in my chest. It’s as though they’ve tried to escape but just couldn’t, blocked by some invisible, insurmountable force.Some days I don’t try to sing at all.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Burt Hummel & Kurt Hummel, Finn Hudson & Kurt Hummel
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	I'm Fine.

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely wrapped around Anthony Amorim and Juliette Reilly's song "I'm Fine."
> 
> TWs:  
> implied thoughts of overdosing, suicidal thoughts, suicidal actions, bullying
> 
> no one dies.

_words are just complicated air flow_

_so i'll keep 'em safe inside of my throat_

I don’t think I recognize the person that stares back at me as I look in the mirror. There are bruises covering his ~~my~~ shoulders and hips, painted by slams into lockers and doorframes. 

They’re hidden, of course they are, and my clothes have become a barrier, a safety net, I know that.

  
But what would be the point of dragging anyone else into my problems? 

What would be the point of letting them see?

  
_i'm so afraid of what i've become_

_runnin' all night to stay numb_

  
  


It’s difficult, keeping such a tight hold on the mask I’ve built. And yet, what else is there for me to do?

Nothing, nothing at all _._

  
  


_lately i've been livin' in the background_

_keep my voice low, keep my head down_

  
  


Has Rachel noticed I haven’t been fighting for solos? Has anyone? Would they even care?

Do I even care?

I want to be seen, but not like _this_.

  
  


_that's what i do, build up my walls_

_hold my breath, pray they don't fall_

  
  


“You’d tell me if Karofsky hurt you, right?”

“Finn, even if he did, what would be the point? You don’t have to- to defend my honor, it’s already bad enough that Sam got hurt.”

“He would do it again for you. I would too.”

_I know, that’s what scares me._

  
  


_i say i'm fine_

_when i know any moment my world could collapse_

  
  


It’s so easy to imagine just- _stopping_.

Just _ending_. It’s not like-

I pocket the sleeping meds as I walk past.

If their absence is noticed, no one says a word.

Neither do I.

  
  


_i'm alright_

_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_that i'm fine_

  
  


Sometimes when I try to sing, the words catch in my chest. It’s as though they’ve tried to escape but just couldn’t, blocked by some invisible, insurmountable force.

Some days I don’t try to sing at all.

  
  
  


_i'm fine_

  
  


~~_“You tell anyone and I’ll kill you.”_ ~~

  
  


_words have been stuck inside of my chest_

_'cause everything i say feels like a waste of my breath_

  
  


The air is cold as I make my way down the familiar, worn path.

The flowers I've brought with me — red roses, _her_ favorite — have thorns that dig into my skin.

I hold them tighter.

When they drop to the ground, my hands are red as the petals of the blooming flowers.

I don’t feel anything at all.

  
  


_i'm so ashamed of who i've been lately_

_spend all my time findin' ways to escape me_

  
  


I’ve written twenty notes.

I’ve torn them all; thrown the pen across the room.

I don’t want this, _I don’t want this_ , I just can’t. I can’t do this. I can't be here. Not like this.

  
  


_sorry that i haven't been returnin' your calls_

_it's just that i'd rather do nothing at all_

  
  


Meeting Blaine is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

He cares. _He cares._

  
  


_than to make some excuses for where i've gone wrong_

_instead of bringin' you along_

  
  


The heavy weight of my duvet presses me down against the mattress as pills roll their way through my shaking fingers. 

I can hear my heart beating, pounding like a metronome in my ears.

I swallow five.

  
  


_i say i'm fine_

_when i know any moment my world could collapse_

  
  


On my bedside table, my phone is buzzing.

Pills roll, lost under covers as I reach to grab it.

I press answer.

_It’s as though my body knows something my brain doesn’t._

Blaine’s voice is tinny as he calls my name.

_I think I understand why._

  
  


_i'm alright_

_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_in the light_

  
  


I hum as Blaine relays his day's worth of stories.

My fingers feel loose around my phone.

I can’t find the words I need to say.

They escape me, even now.

  
Even with Blaine.  
  
  


_lie, lie to myself_

_push them away 'cause i won't ask for help_

  
  


“Blaine?”

  
  


_run and hide_

  
  


“Yeah?”

  
  
  


_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_that i'm fine_

  
  


“Blaine, I’m sorry. I’m sorry-” 

I feel as though I’m lost in the vacuum of space.

  
  


_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_that i'm fine_

  
  


“ _Kurt_. Kurt! Breathe with me. What’s happening?”

He sounds worried. I want to help but I don't know how.

I can't even help myself.

  
  


_words are just complicated air flow_

_and every cry for help is like an echo_

  
  


“I thought it would help, I can’t. _I can’t_. _It should help. Why won’t it help_?”

Gravity compresses everything around me and I'm floating among the stars; _is that why I feel so heavy_?

  
  


_i can't explain all that i've done_

_so i just say i'm fine_

  
  


“Kurt, I need you to talk to me. What’s going on?”

And so I do.

  
  


_when i know any moment my world could collapse_

_i'm alright_

  
  


“Meds. I took meds.”

“Kurt, you-”

And, “Please don’t be mad, please, _please-_ ”

“Kurt, _call your dad_. _Is your dad home_?”

  
  


_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_in the light_

  
  


“ _Kurt_!”

“I’m here, I- Blaine- I don’t want this, I don’t want to do this. _Please_ help me, _please_.” I close my eyes. Tears fill up my helmet. I'm scared I'll drown.

“ _Call your dad! Kurt, now! Or I will. Call him or I will._ ”

  
  


_lie, lie to myself_

_push them away 'cause i won't ask for help_

  
  


I can see Blaine's outstretched hand.

“Dad. _Dad_!”

I'm so close to him — our fingertips an inch apart — when I’m knocked off course.

“ _Keep shouting, Kurt!_ ”

“Blaine, I can’t, _please-_ ”

  
  


_run and hide_

_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_that i'm fine_

  
  


Sleep pulls at me.

I'm spinning out of control. I wonder if I'll see Earth when I open my eyes.

I hold my phone with both hands.

I feel ill with every breath I force myself to take.

I call. I still call.

  
  


_it's just when i breathe it gets hard to believe_

_that i'm fine_

  
  


And soon my dad appears at the top of the stairs — Finn behind him — cursing as he switches on the light.

I feel as though my heart is going to pound out of my chest.

I shut my eyes, “Blaine. _They’re here_. Blaine.”

Blaine’s breathing is shaky, “ _Good_. That’s good.”

I feel our hands touch; Blaine pulls me back into orbit.

  
  


_i'm fine_

_fine_

  
  


Finn lifts me up as he reaches me and I scramble to hold onto my phone as I fall forward into his arms. He catches me.

I can hear my dad cursing from behind me and I bury my face in Finn’s shirt, “ _Thank you- Blaine- Blaine.”_

“I- Kurt- _I love you,_ I love you, okay.”

My breath catches in my throat, “I love you, too. I-”

Hands turn my head and my phone slips from my hands; Finn catches it and I can hear him speaking, as I focus on my dad in front of me, eyes blurry, “How many, Kurt? How many did you take?”

“Five. I- five. _I’d_ _five_.”

Talking grows difficult. My dad sighs. Out of relief, I think.

“He’ll be okay. Finn, can you? I need to call Carole.”

“Yeah- I, yeah-”

“Burt-” Finn passes him my phone and I reach out to grab it, but my arm doesn’t move much farther than Finn’s shoulder.

“Blaine. Dad, it’s _Blaine_ , please.”

Finn says what I can’t, “Tell him Kurt’s okay.”

“Yeah, I will. Take Kurt upstairs.”

My feet lift from the ground as Finn shifts to pick me up.

I'm warm. I'm tired, so, so tired.

I can’t resist the pull anymore, but-

“Go to sleep, Kurt. It’s okay. I've got you.”

And I do.

And he does.

Blaine cries when I see him again. It's okay, I'm crying too.

We promise to live. And we _live_.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a deeply personal story to me.
> 
> In relation to real, actual events, I have been in Blaine's position before and while I hope I'm never in that position again, I'd be there in a heartbeat if any of my friends needed me. 
> 
> Stay safe, all of you.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline:  
> 1-800-273-TALK
> 
> The Trevor Project:  
> 1-866-488-7386


End file.
